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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.